As a little girl, I was taught to be nice, to put others first, and to not be selfish. These are good things. Mom and Dad had a vision of social life where each person’s behavior was contributive to something larger. I strive to live my life caring for and being nice to others. I learned the hard way, though, that caring for others can be exhausting, leading to burnout, and what some have labeled as compassion fatigue. I realized that I was in a bad place when I sat on the couch feeling rather numb watching Netflix for three days. My ordinarily vibrant, energetic self was spent, exhausted, lacking creativity and vision. It was a strange, out of body experience given that I’m typically 110 miles an hour with my hair on fire, filled with energy and possibility. Compassion fatigue, according to Stephanie Thurrott, is due to “helping others without replenishing yourself.” She said to be on the lookout for:
“Feeling exhausted physically and psychologically
Feeling helpless, hopeless or powerless
Feeling irritable, angry, sad or numb
A sense of being detached or having decreased pleasure in activities
Ruminating about the suffering of others and feeling anger towards the events or people causing the suffering
Blaming yourself and having thoughts of not having done enough to help the people who are suffering
A decreased sense of personal and professional accomplishment
A change in your worldview or spirituality
Physical symptoms, including sleep and appetite disturbances, nausea and dizziness”
In hindsight, those days sitting on the couch watching Netflix were a godsend in the way I was consciously aware of the contrast in how I see myself and what I was experiencing. It was a wake up call to how depleted I was. Honestly, many of the qualities described by Thurrott I was experiencing in one form or another. It was debilitating. I thought to myself I need to take better care of myself and I need to build my resilience and capacity to be a more sustained carer.
But first, I had to squarely address my feelings that caring for one’s self can be selfish. Mark Nepo’s words nailed it for me: “Somehow, in the course of learning to be good, we have all been asked to wrestle with a false dilemma: being kind to ourselves or being kind to others.” He continued, “Being kind to to ourselves is a prerequisite to being kind to others.” Being kind to myself is not selfishness but a necessary aspect of what I’ve learned to think of as conditioning, doing those practices that serve to renew and replenish. Self care is vital and preservative like in its implications. 2022 is a year of exploring the many facets of this….
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